I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
