I only kidnapped one of them. chill
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
