I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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