small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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