Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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