i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
