I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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