We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize