Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize