apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
