He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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