You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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