Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize