I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
