Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize