Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
