It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
