i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
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