I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
