I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
