on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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