I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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