I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
