Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
