He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize