Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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