before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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