You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
