Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
