i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize