I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
