His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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