just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
