after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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