I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
