I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
