I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
