Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
