I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
