Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
