The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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