there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
