Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
