You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
