wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
