Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize