i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
