just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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