Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
