If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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