I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
