apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize