I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
