forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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