My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
