What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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