Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
it's great music for shaving your balls
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
