just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
