just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Randomize
