I think my fart just growled at me.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
