so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Randomize