I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
