I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
