You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
