I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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