im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
time to smoke my breakfast
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
