Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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