now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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