and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
