i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
