69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
