I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
