Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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