Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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